There's no such thing as "TGIF" offshore

The only way you can tell what day of the week it is when you're offshore is by the menu. On Tuesdays and Saturdays they always serve steak to order. Out here on Wednesdays, they start to run out of some of the favorites -- the grocery shipment comes on Thursdays. I was once on a rig that made Tex-Mex on Mondays. And always, always, on every rig I've been to in the Gulf of Mexico, Fridays bring the bane of my existence out here. My least favorite meal by far: seafood.

I suppose it's a interpretation of the Catholic tradition many Louisianans practice of eating fish on Fridays, and if it were just fish I would be fine with that. But no, they serve a vast assortment of deep-fried and unrecognizable sea creatures that leave me confused and hungry. I look at the plates and play a guessing game "Shrimp. Not Shrimp. Shrimp, shrimp, not shrimp, not shrimp, Crab Legs, not shrimp, My GOD! Is that one even edible?" It's often hard to tell with the severe battering and deep-frying each item is subject to.

And lucky me, they usually serve these delicacies ALL DAY on Friday! So after a breakfast of cereal or eggs, I can enjoy this artery-clogging meal twice in a row!

Yesterday, however, there was a red herring* thrown in the mix. After half-enjoying some shrimp gumbo at lunch, I saw there were some sandwich selections put out for dinner, including the unsurprising fried fish sandwich, and... Wait! Did I just see what I thought I saw? And it's labeled? Oh! Oh! Oh! I think I'm going to faint! It's a:

PHILLY STEAK SANDWICH

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the Louisiana cook had served his approximation of my old hometown specialty, the Philadelphia Cheesesteak sandwich invented by the saintly Pat Olivieri back in 1930-something.

But I was hesitant. I doubted. For heaven's sake, it was served on a sesame seed bun! How disgusting might it be? I took a moment to deliberate, and ... almost grabbed the fish sandwich out of fear for the destruction of happy childhood memories from the City of Brotherly Love, but I bucked up my courage and decided that no matter how horrible the experience... at least I could write a blog entry about it!



What had looked like real chipped steak through the wax paper wrapping turned out to be strange patties of meat-like substance when I unwrapped it. I almost gave up again, but courageous adventurer I, I took my first bite and was immediately transported back to Reading Terminal Market. It was amazing, but that salty, greasy concoction with protein hidden somewhere inside had the same flavors I remembered from home. I didn't even mind that they used American Cheese to top it (in the triad of acceptable cheeses, I consider myself more a traditionalist and opt for Provolone instead of the more "hard-core" Philadelphian's choice of Cheez-Whiz, but in pinch American will do).

I examined my sandwich further, and was startled to realize that the steak meat was perhaps authentically, if perhaps strangely prepared. It was if someone had taken a pile of chipped steak, balled it all up, frozen it, and then cut it into patties from the frozen mound before preparing on the grill like a hamburger.



You could even discern the individual slices of meat like rings on an ancient tree stump! I couldn't resist; I had to wrap it up and sneak it out of the galley and back to my unit where I could photograph this modern marvel. My night hand may now think I am touched in the head, for after pulling a half-eaten dinner out of my pocket and snapping a few pictures of it (which you can now enjoy), I proceeded to eat the rest of it at my computer before going back to work. I couldn't explain my wonder to him. He would not have understood.

And just in case you haven't had enough of the fascinating horror of it all, here's a nice close up for you. Remember: just like the real thing, it tastes a heck of a lot better than it looks.



*Please pardon my inaccurate use of this literary term. I claim artistic license and a strong sense of whimsy. And can you fault me for wanting to make another "fish" joke? Haha!